I play around in circles
Jump one group to the next, to the last
I still always end up walking to my own shadow
Nobody next to me, nobody in front
Faded faces behind, sober faces up ahead
I trail off in the cold, in the distance...

///

God is not with me
He's not down with my actions
For they're all ongoing infractions
Reminders that those gates will decline
Anybody of my kind

God is disappointed in me
Too far into the powder
Where everything amounts to something smaller

Can't seem to become bigger
Needing to get away from anything duller

10-2014

summer is over
will our conversations remain?
i crave an alert, that white bubble to show
words never read but sent for me

excitement subsides
is my name a special thing?
is it ever brought up in casual conversations?
am i going to be yours?
i want to share what you do to me

you're far away
i want to touch your skin
see where the feel takes me
new places and new rides
i want to be that craving

what has you interested in my being?
is it the way i talk to you?
the smiles, where i come from, my experiences, and my stories?
what has you reeled in?

as for me, it's what you say
the quite surprising moments of rebellion you disclose, your composure, and the ability to talk to a complete stranger
don't you want to be a plus one to my adventures?
i want to take you to a show
i want to sway back and forth
see how the lights glow on your skin

when you're in another place than present, where do you go?
how far does your mind wander?
am i able to attend your travels, all around your heart and mind?
are you gonna take me on a completely wild trip, never to have been expected?

i think you got the tools
i think you know the ways
i'm sure you already think i'm good to be with you
or i'm painfully obvious
i don't know

i'm so hopeless

09-2014

8

eight months sober
all washed away because of the tugging apathy
satisfying that craving 
in a snap. in a quick minute, a blink of an eye
left and right
a shot, a head tilt, a strong whew, exhale 
anxiety lifted. everything lifted

it doesn't matter
those first two weeks of hell 
the lowest of lows all washed out 
all blown away - back to square one
back to zero, back to nothing but highs
scratching at that scab to let that shit bleed 

nothing but lonely secrets 
i'll keep it to myself 
i've been doing pretty good so far 
why stop now? 

10-2014

(de)composition

I lost my decomposition notebook yesterday.

Leaving a bar booth in a drunken haze
Feeling the fuzziness of three beers and a heavy daze
I separated myself from my most personal thoughts
Completely unaware of the soon-to-be moment of anxiety that will surface later.

I'd have to say, happy hour definitely had me happy as hell.
So happy where I allowed myself to not care of all the past dreams and wishes I had spent so much time purging.
A friend of mine brought up a great truth.
She told me that this can be treated as a sign.
A sign so simple: let it all go.
Let go of all the burdens, the wishful thoughts, and channel the newfound energy in a new book.

I only hope that notebook serves well for its new owner.
'Cause maybe, just maybe the notebook exceeded its rotten purpose and had to be gone.
So gone out of my life to prevent further decay.

As I walked with the summer sun, I found my peace in a lost item today. 

08-2014

i saw rocks
standing tall, firm, and still
stained with a desert red
and faded sun marks

line gradients so perfectly adorned by purple clouds and pink skies
i sat on a rock and experienced unknown silences
i was alone in my breaths
i heard my heartbeat
along with the buzzing of insects, enjoying their open habitat
the silence was remarkable
new, undisturbed, untainted

subtle gradients of light blue, grey, and red
so flawless on an evening drive
nothing but serene minutes spent on a road alone
cruising with no map
no real destination

06-2014

Twenty-two

The combination of two and two
Leaving me feeling bland and used
Twenty-one and its glamour is fading
I carry a serious face
Tense and itching to be flipped
Some new feeling to arise
To rise in me, a sense of newfound curiosity
Where all I want to do is learn and be inspired
It's not like it was when I was seventeen
Things weren't complex
I was naive
Now I may know too much

05-2014

a place governs my feelings
as much as i don't want it to
or give it that type of power
where i am or where i'm placed in is never a thought overlooked.
i can choose and debate
where is the best to peacefully reside
but i know for sure i gotta be right within
and who knows how long that might take
to achieve that moment of clarity
personal growth has no status quo
i gotta learn to be flexible

05-2014

cat and mouse

People who talk too much
People who don't talk enough
Who's carrying the bigger bluff?

Silences mistaken all too often
For something wrong within not without
My observations move in me a feeling of defeat and sadness

Circling thoughts leave me drowsy and dizzy
Seeing this all as a game of cat and mouse

04-2014

why do i lie my head on a pillow of unfulfilled dreams?
where my head doesn't rest
where my body remains anxious
trying to sleep in a rested state
but can't seem to get over that hurdle

is that what evil is?
is that what pain is?

04-2014

ignorance is not bliss

why are people remedying things they simply don't have any knowledge in
with the statement: ignorance is bliss?
how defeated does one have to be to say that?
why was that saying ever a thing to be said?
it should be illegal.
it should be frowned upon.
it should be investigated upon.
along with the statement:  boys will be boys.
i refuse to be passive and let the actions of men, be it rendered as inappropriate, rule the way women behave amongst them.
i'm not gonna buy that bullshit.

04-2014

restlessness

i woke up a bit past 12
i couldn't sleep in peace
pillows not providing much comfort
old pains and strains that keep lingering within
this is my day off

04-2014

hurt

There's a lot of hurt in this world
I wish it wasn't a fact
I wish I could do all I could to remedy it
I almost feel as if it's my moral responsibility to care
Why wouldn't I?
I have a heart that feels and understands human conditions

I just wish I was capable to do more
That shouldn't keep me from smiling 
Or pushing on encouragement
I doubt myself
That I don't have enough strength
That my words aren't sufficient
Because I haven't experienced heartbreak or loss or romantic issues

I may not know what that is
But I know that how a person loves romantically doesn't make or break a person's heart
A lot goes unsaid, unheard
All hard to translate
All hard to gauge
All not meant to decipher
I almost believe half the battle is separating both heart and mind, completely and willfully.

When that's possible and doable,
Maybe it's easier
Maybe it's not
I gotta find out
I gotta figure it out

04-2014

i inch closer to the music and bright lights
where feelings are surfaced and the head is on hold
where i'm so happy and carefree
i don't think about anything
other than the pleasant vibrations
my ear drums are experiencing
traveling in and around my body

04-2014

my tongue wrestles with your tongue
exploring unknown pleasures with my steady muscles
my lips purse with yours
which send chills and arousal all over my body

you work your way down
and i'm dying to cave in as you tactfully tease me
i want you
i want you inside

you hit all the spots like shooting darts at a bullseye
i don't want you to stop
you heed my plea to continue
i reach ultimate satisfaction

whoa

04-2014

I don't need to answer.
I don't owe you an answer.

I don't need to send you anything.

Since I'm the one always initiating, I'm not going to.

I'm spent. 

Tried and nothing left to give anymore.

Too many times have I been extremely generous and nice.

Too eager to be in close proximity with people I deemed interesting and cool.

Been ripped to shreds, abused, beat up, worn out, chewed up, and spit out.

Begged to assist, I caved in and reimbursed with nothing.

I only wanted something simple.

Some company, somebody to ask me how I was doing and be heard.

Somebody to know why I am and why I see what I see.

Do people really want to pick at my brain?

Probably not.

If they did, they would've tried harder and actually listened to all I had to say.

04-2013

keep what you want
keep what you need
let go of what you breakdown to
let go of all the doubts
let yourself be free
free of burden
free of worry
free of ignorance

bliss is only achieved from steering away from ignorance
let your heart and mind expand
to all that is around
experience
do what's real

"do what you feel... if it's real" 

03-2014

Sometimes I really shock myself how much I school myself on my personal struggles.

locals only

you attract a multitude of fresh transplants
all so quick to praise and call it their own
then you got your locals
all so trained to remain loyal and true
to the city they claim to have made them
who is the highest in validity?
does it matter and mean anything to be so proud in the space you inhabit?

as for me, it always works its way back to locals
because they're confident in the way the divides work
where to avoid because they all know what is to be expected

"born and raised", we all say so confidently...

03-2014

for my hairdresser

you lather and rinse.
and with your keen eyes and skilled bones,
you rule the scissor, chopping away the weight my thick and coarse hair
has left me in the span of five months.
a smile adorns my face as little black hairs fall down, no longer a part of my identity.

i come in tainted
and leave renewed, rejuvenated, and lifted.
you're the queen of stellar looks.
and my style crafted uniquely by your vision only further emanates my self-confidence and positive vibes.

thank you for doing what you do.

03-2014

I tried so hard to keep you away
I strayed and pushed on negativity
Anything to turn you off and shut you out
Persistence and my weakness had me persuaded

You abused me and did nothing to cure
Only me intoxicated was your shot at me
I fell weak to temptation and behaved badly
Your existence alone is a plague

I regret ever meeting you
Attracted to your shadowy, now empty charm
Now I'm nowhere near high, only desolate and dried
Fear bleeds in and seeps through my weak heart

03-2014

I'm a college campus transplant
All along the west, I walk in and around
I observe and wish to commit but I simply can't
I remain one of the few, unable to be school bound

Still...

I traveled up north and roamed with the Huskies,
I visited the one and only Cruz and slowed it down with my Banana Slug,
I got lost in the SB lagoons and was found by the best Gaucho around,
I walked up and down the Sunset hill to be so welcomed and accepted by all my Bruin bears,
I went back into town and met up with my travelin' Trojan, and was shown how to keep strong and fight on

Although...

I'm not too experienced,
Unfamiliar with advanced texts and raging intellects,
I know my beloved mascots shine on and stay victorious
That alone makes me so proud to be rolling with the best

03-2014

nightmare untitled

somebody was chasing me
i was busy chasing a high
i couldn't outrun him
it was life or death
i knew i was dreaming and all that was happening
somebody had an agenda against me
somebody wanted to hurt me
i couldn't get myself to wake up
it's almost as if i knew what would happen if i let go and admit defeat 

struggling and struggling to escape
but i had no power
i was pumped up in fear
i was on the brink of complete surrender

i woke up startled and disturbed
at that moment i debated my evil decisions
and analyzed whether darkness was about to take complete hold of me
i wanted to be healed
healed from horrible things
inevitable, disgusting, and deviant

02-2014

#5
Sometimes I get scared of sleeping because of the possibility in serious nightmares that seem all too real.  That lingering discomfort and how it ruins your whole day has to be one of the unsettling things about falling asleep.  Too many times I've had dreams where someone is out to get me and I can't handle it. 

KIS

Kites fly high, gliding through turbulent winds and clear skies
Expressive lovers display their affection, regardless of season or setting
Excitement ensues in two kids as they play tag around tall trees
Purple flower petals do a dance on the rough asphalt

Indoor voices are all that surrounds in an outdoor setting
Time pauses as a flock of birds soar up and away

Sweetness and its lingering feeling is in the air
I deem myself blessed to have seen such a sight
My heart beats and cherishes this moment of pure happiness
Pessimists don't stand a chance in this atmosphere
Lovers prove to be contagious
Elation is the only solution

02-2014

#4
I took quite awhile writing this one.  I had an idea in my head, fixated on a word, then a motto I told myself I'll try to follow this year.  I had to come up with a phrase and then write an acrostic poem out of it.  I decided on "Keep It Simple" and out came this poem inspired by this past time in January when I was at a park, observing and soaking every sight and person around.  It made my heart long for that memory instantaneously.  

and the rest is history

strangers inhabiting this city,
desiring for one decent connection where it all comes naturally.
and one decides, "this is it"
"this is gonna be worth my time."
who is my next stranger, waiting to be turned into my dear friend?
it only takes one person to hear what i have to say
and the rest is history.
where is the next platform?

#3
Before I approached this one, I had to keep my ear out for random conversations around me, and be sure to remember anything I have heard that resonated within and implement it.
I was in a train underground on a late Friday afternoon and there was an emergency that had happened in Hollywood.  I'm glad there was because nothing excites me more than to eavesdrop on conversations in small, enclosed spaces.
I got to hear some random conversation about one person's job and his positivity stuck out.  
He said, "All it takes is one person to hear what you have to say and the rest is history."

Without you, I'm out of my element.
You dangle, long and white.
With you, I keep it composed.
I connect you and out you release everything I want to hear.
I'm plugged in, cool in my own world, allowing my racing thoughts to glide and dance to my favorite tunes.
When you're in my possession, my body wants to be in constant movement.
I close my eyes and tap my hands and feet.
I'm left hypnotized, free to dream, avoiding the meaningless chatters of passersby.
When you're in my ears, I don't expect anyone to speak to me.
I can't hear you.  
I don't want to hear you.
I'm cruising in melodies.

01-2014

#2
This prompt told me to write down all the items I carry with me on the daily.
I wanted to write about a pen but I chose my earphones instead.  

Self-inflicted harm and quick brushes of death
I filled my head with uncertainty and worry
Was I destined for perpetual fear and risks?
I'd cry and apologize for how I dealt
It made no sense
I kept it secret and when exposed, I was drowning in shame

Medicating it all with poison, pills, and powder
A pop, a shot, a stiff sniff
I froze my brain and numbed my heart
My only determination was to chase the highest high

02-2014

#1
I was prompted to make a list of the most important events/moments that has happened in my life, compare two, and write about it.  
That was hard to do and at the same time, it helped me surface a lot of heavy and happy memories. 
I chose to write about my experience with attempted suicide and the car accidents I have been in that have always left me weird and empty.  I flirted with death and the possibility of ending it all, and I was too busy seeking the thrill post-trauma.  

I started implementing a new writing project in my life.
I thought I start challenging myself in writing about everyday things in new ways.
With a daily prompt, I have this way in dedicating my time with how to shape and form words together.  It's day three and it's been really fun.

I'll be posting the writing I come up with as I tackle them each day.

jh

mary jane

oh faithful one, her name is mary jane
she's not a regret
she's not a hindrance

she cools you out without the glamour
she's earthy, sensual, and smooth
never rough, bitter, or cringe-worthy

she never stops growing within you
never a negative intoxication
nothing but overflowing tenderness

11-2013

the end

I learned my lesson
I disturbed my flow into positive progression
and now I can't ever get into the groove of sober creation

Line after line
I wasted all that time
Meaningless efforts in chasing short highs
To know in the end, it's all asinine

I keep feeling all these low notes
Desiring each and every good blow
If I keep that up, I won't have anything to sow
So from here on out, I'll take myself and do a shameful bow

01-2014

hands

can i hold your hand?
when i'm happy in the moment, nothing bothering me, and feeling bliss
can i hold your hand?

i want to hold hands
feel the pressure, the grip of skin-to-skin contact
i want to feel the wrinkles and creases of yours
your fingers and their folds

i want to hold your hand
i don't want to explain why
i swear it's innocent

sometimes i'm your friend and holding hands allows me to feel something raw
sometimes i need a reminder that i'm not only flesh
that i'm not only skin and fingers 
but that there's more to a touch in an impulsive grab

when can i go by and grab it out of the blue?
i just want to hold your hand

versus

I don't want you but you want me.
I don't want to talk but you want to.
I don't want to put effort but you want to.
I want you to leave me alone but you hover me.

I'm not even into you yet you think I want you to be.
I'm not into being wrapped up and you want to own me.
I'm not wanting to be exclusive but you already think so.
I'm not like you but you like me.


10/11-2013

robbery

life robs you left and right
even when things are about to be aligned
when you're about to really set things right
it steals it all away, cold-hearted and merciless

it happens once, then it happens twice
now you're bracing yourself for the third time
contemplating and miserable: is this the last fucking straw?
can't handle this shit

there's no point in enjoying niceness
when greed and jealousy in others blow your high
when they strip you from everything that kept your cool
"be happy"? really? fuck that, you're a fool

10-2013

crazy corner

the crazies congregate in one place
lounging, asking for a single smoke, finding whatever was lost
i wonder how their nights end
what their agendas consist of, what "success" is for them

are they more concentrated in this dirty side of town?
on the border of neutral and excess?
or is this where the meeting place is
and their home is somewhere less crazy?

do they know that we know they're seen as crazy?
or are we the crazy ones functioning
and they're the normal ones functioning or attempting?
how did this divide exist anyway?

10-2013

rapport

You go about in your day
Feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders
Wondering if anybody out there feels the same

What are your feelings about?
Is it sad, mad, or all-in-one?
Does it even count?

A friendly fellow comes along and speaks to you
You realize the flow, the comfort, and the safety in conversed words
Your heart jumps immediately cause you discover this person is feeling blue, too

How it's a blessing to know this new soul
To be able to relate, to be unashamed of your yearning heart
And to know this individual might just make you whole

08-2013

loneliness

I know I'm lonely when confiding in someone is foreign
When a phone book lacks any prospects
When a text, an acknowledgement, or a name is rare

Loneliness is sitting in a room, three a.m.
With nothing but circling thoughts of darkness and defeat
When you really have no one to talk to

And it's not about being with someone or needing affection, and wanting to be loved
It's about knowing my loneliness is something to appreciate
To know I'm not the only one experiencing the same thing

It's about being comfortable and confident in my thoughts
Whether it be the darkest, deepest, or the saddest
It's knowing I can cure the loneliness with progressive and willing acceptance

I know when loneliness subsides
As someone assures and validates my existence
That my heart is hardened but can be repaired

I'm not talking about being less alone by having someone
I'm talking about not having to explain myself constantly
This exhausting rap, play-by-play bullshit for people to "understand" me better

It's not about pity or sympathy
It's about true connection and recognition
It's about the merging of two alone souls
Embracing each other's needs and losses

08-2013

Nonchalance

It's time to admit it
I don't care about anything because everything is nothing
To care only leads to dissatisfaction and disappointment
It's better not to have a care in the world

Easier to take a blow and a push
Pressure doesn't impale my well being when it's all out the window
The fall won't seem that bad cause you'll know what's to come
You're only benefiting yourself from further hurt and sadness

Everything isn't a letdown when you eliminate all feelings
A slap, a hit, and a shot doesn't kill you
It only leaves a mild mark that fades away
As the indifference soaks itself inside of you

No feelings and no sensitivity allowed here
Not in my book, not in my time
You can't hurt me and you can't fix me
I'm already dead

08-2013