i lied there in the dark
visualized the shape of your body and paralleled yours with mine
i closed my eyes
i saw my fingertips slowly trace your eyebrows, your jawline,
the linings of your neck, and the delicate stretch of skin along your collarbones
the rest of your body was a challenge
i could guess the outline of your breasts
and the form of your hips and legs
but my imagination does not succeed reality
i'll let that go to possibilities and good hope
i'm resting my head against your skin
feelings the valleys of your body
not wanting to let that part go
it's all such a pretty sight
you're allowing me to roam and outline
the creases and outlines of your make
i don't want to delay
i don't want to lose you
cause i'm left alone in the dark with temporary tracings
nowhere close to resemblances of your real thing
10-2015
11/3/15
tic-tac-toe
i was in a playground
i needed to test out the slides, monkey bars, and swings
but mainly, the game of tic-tac-toe
and at first there was a momentum with the swings,
this gentle and playful exchange of words and touch
then the monkey bars took out most of my energy,
proving to me i had to stretch out and reach with my might
to see if you were gonna meet me as i met you on your side
from up top, i descended down the slides with its swerves,
translating into the spontaneity of the night spent together
that game of tic-tac-toe mirrored our sparing texts
proofs of calculated wordplay in different places
nobody won
because x's and o's hide reasonings
you gave me x's and i gave you o's
the o's were marked with my innocence and interest
you threw me your x's
and crossed out options for us to meet on fair terms
you owned your x's
and in my blindness, i gave you my inviting o's
that was never going to be a tie
08-2015
9 > 3
I check the time religiously
when I know nine hours won't lessen to three,
when I know it won't shorten the distance of two countries,
when I know our smiles won't translate in real time.
we make-do with what we're given
the way you speak and express adds to my growing curiosity
you have me wondering
what it would be like to walk with you,
to sit next to you in a theater,
to focus on the details of your face
I'm fixating on scenarios of what could be
we mention the possibilities that drips with lingering excitement and highs
it's all so new and I want to beat the idle moments
I want to tell you:
I'm not going anywhere
I'm hooked
07-2015
when I know nine hours won't lessen to three,
when I know it won't shorten the distance of two countries,
when I know our smiles won't translate in real time.
we make-do with what we're given
the way you speak and express adds to my growing curiosity
you have me wondering
what it would be like to walk with you,
to sit next to you in a theater,
to focus on the details of your face
I'm fixating on scenarios of what could be
we mention the possibilities that drips with lingering excitement and highs
it's all so new and I want to beat the idle moments
I want to tell you:
I'm not going anywhere
I'm hooked
07-2015
french songs
i sat here all night
listened to french songs by your favorite artist
i looked up what they meant but i enjoyed the unknown
i wanted to hear these songs with you,
as you'd close your eyes and describe it in your irresistible manner
what did i picture when i heard these songs?
i saw us
i saw us
strolling on the streets, following your guide, and kissing your cheeks
playing with your hair and tracing your body
i want to write you
build this up and discover more
i replayed those videos of yourself
it left me so silly and hopeful
you're so beautiful
you got me locked in
do you want me here?
i dreamt of being there
07-2015
7/16/15
meaningless
I need to get the fuck over you.
I don't know how or if there's a sure way.
You obviously mean more to me than I mean to you.
All I am are little notes and cards on the wall, decorations for your small room.
Seven months of believing and convincing that your actions meant something but progressed into nothing.
Now I sport this haircut, constantly reminding myself of you.
I brush my fingers through it and flashes of your face appear, quick and temporary.
It doesn't linger because a moment didn't translate.
A gesture didn't change anything.
We both remain passive, only you say these words rooted in reactions but you take it back so quickly.
Everything is losing meaning and value.
I'm only giving it meaning
when I'm sure it's all meaningless to you.
07-2015
I don't know how or if there's a sure way.
You obviously mean more to me than I mean to you.
All I am are little notes and cards on the wall, decorations for your small room.
Seven months of believing and convincing that your actions meant something but progressed into nothing.
Now I sport this haircut, constantly reminding myself of you.
I brush my fingers through it and flashes of your face appear, quick and temporary.
It doesn't linger because a moment didn't translate.
A gesture didn't change anything.
We both remain passive, only you say these words rooted in reactions but you take it back so quickly.
Everything is losing meaning and value.
I'm only giving it meaning
when I'm sure it's all meaningless to you.
07-2015
soft / sharp
You play it soft with a hold on sharp edges
The way you focused in on the details
The way you focused in on the details
And how you snipped away with such ease
I liked it when you were telling me what to do
Sitting in a bench, making movements under your directions
I wish I can hold onto your legs as you sleep
Anything to return the sweetness just like your gentle touch
I sit in your velvet chair, thinking to myself:
"How can I hold onto this sight every day?"
I don't want it to fade
"How can I hold onto this sight every day?"
I don't want it to fade
I want to keep it all
I want to return with magnetism and appeal.
06-2015
strikeouts
oh girl you got a secret i'm unable to keep up with
in some rare moments, i'm prone to believe i have you,
working up my charm and one-liners.
but my certainties are premature and i carry disappointment.
i give you gifts and space, work the room to your way, and you still reject all of my advances and i'm in defeat.
is this the work-up with every one of your conquests?
why do you bother to make a momentum, only to instill heightened remorse and contempt?
it's all an incredible shame.
from the amount of faith i placed to how undeniably attractive you are,
the moments i looked at you with wonder and excitement,
you're only a stupid little game of run and chase.
no wins, no gains, just a streak of horrible losses.
a scoreboard adorning embarrassing unsuccessful plays.
strikeouts and fouls.
i'm out.
04-2015
in some rare moments, i'm prone to believe i have you,
working up my charm and one-liners.
but my certainties are premature and i carry disappointment.
i give you gifts and space, work the room to your way, and you still reject all of my advances and i'm in defeat.
is this the work-up with every one of your conquests?
why do you bother to make a momentum, only to instill heightened remorse and contempt?
it's all an incredible shame.
from the amount of faith i placed to how undeniably attractive you are,
the moments i looked at you with wonder and excitement,
you're only a stupid little game of run and chase.
no wins, no gains, just a streak of horrible losses.
a scoreboard adorning embarrassing unsuccessful plays.
strikeouts and fouls.
i'm out.
04-2015
remove
why did I have a dream about you?
and why did it humanize you, making me feel sadder than I should?
in the dream, I don't really know how we met up but you told me,
"i'm sorry" and "i missed you" while you had an arm linked with mine, side-by-side.
a dream that has got me wondering whether it's true or a set-up of my own disappointments.
there is no point. there is no good.
I don't want to keep rewinding and replaying the intimacy on your bed under the sheets.
I don't want any of it.
I want to be cold and cruel, giving you a moment to make it or break it.
asking you: "are we ever going to see each other again?
because if we are not, then consider me out and gone."
I'm about to erase you one last time, rid of anything that reminds me of you, or has anything to do with you.
I'm taking your words.
you told me I should be mean to you.
maybe that'll start now.
maybe I do that by ignoring you.
removing you, no number, no name.
04-2015
and why did it humanize you, making me feel sadder than I should?
in the dream, I don't really know how we met up but you told me,
"i'm sorry" and "i missed you" while you had an arm linked with mine, side-by-side.
a dream that has got me wondering whether it's true or a set-up of my own disappointments.
there is no point. there is no good.
I don't want to keep rewinding and replaying the intimacy on your bed under the sheets.
I don't want any of it.
I want to be cold and cruel, giving you a moment to make it or break it.
asking you: "are we ever going to see each other again?
because if we are not, then consider me out and gone."
I'm about to erase you one last time, rid of anything that reminds me of you, or has anything to do with you.
I'm taking your words.
you told me I should be mean to you.
maybe that'll start now.
maybe I do that by ignoring you.
removing you, no number, no name.
04-2015
< / >
honesty is not in bloom. will it ever really be?
i tried to approach the temporary interests of my life with this mentality that everyone is the same.
i was wrong. so wrong. expectations ruin the spirit of people.
ill-intentions, bored advances, and short flings.
why couldn't the emotional intimacy be skipped?
save me the trouble and the energy.
were you even able to handle my invested attention?
i won't ever find out the reasons and perhaps i don't need to because none of it will matter.
i'm tarnished, bruised, and i don't ever want to give myself that way again.
they hurt me.
they led me on.
they can't even face what was clearly real.
i wasn't evil or uncomfortable.
how could i have been when it was all new and foreign?
i wouldn't have done any deceiving actions.
that's not me.
i hope they get the idea.
don't try to talk to me and don't text me when you're bored.
don't have me wrapped in your head.
i'm not going to give you anything anymore.
you lost all privilege.
i'm not gonna waste myself any longer.
03-2015
i tried to approach the temporary interests of my life with this mentality that everyone is the same.
i was wrong. so wrong. expectations ruin the spirit of people.
ill-intentions, bored advances, and short flings.
why couldn't the emotional intimacy be skipped?
save me the trouble and the energy.
were you even able to handle my invested attention?
i won't ever find out the reasons and perhaps i don't need to because none of it will matter.
i'm tarnished, bruised, and i don't ever want to give myself that way again.
they hurt me.
they led me on.
they can't even face what was clearly real.
i wasn't evil or uncomfortable.
how could i have been when it was all new and foreign?
i wouldn't have done any deceiving actions.
that's not me.
i hope they get the idea.
don't try to talk to me and don't text me when you're bored.
don't have me wrapped in your head.
i'm not going to give you anything anymore.
you lost all privilege.
i'm not gonna waste myself any longer.
03-2015
rendezvous
time is a lie.
whether it be two weeks, months, or a short span of three hours,
emotions and feelings surpass those restrictions.
it does not matter.
i don't believe i did anything wrong or excessive.
you and i got drunk countless times.
you touched me and i touched you.
we swapped spit.
we broke in the bed together.
i organized an intimate rendezvous.
03-2015
whether it be two weeks, months, or a short span of three hours,
emotions and feelings surpass those restrictions.
it does not matter.
i don't believe i did anything wrong or excessive.
you and i got drunk countless times.
you touched me and i touched you.
we swapped spit.
we broke in the bed together.
i organized an intimate rendezvous.
03-2015
fingertips
why do I pine over you?
you already know you got me at your fingertips, not even with the slightest lift or movement.
I asked you about your leg, adorned by scars of deep stories you didn't want to unfold.
I wanted it to be known that I only asked because I'm genuine in my interest.
I'm not one to pry.
you say what you want and I'll accept and listen.
so quick to be masked in darkness, unable to locate your face to kiss
are you certain you're shy?
lights out, you switched it up, making it known that my place was in your hands.
my source of pleasure was your goal for the moment.
03-2015
you already know you got me at your fingertips, not even with the slightest lift or movement.
I asked you about your leg, adorned by scars of deep stories you didn't want to unfold.
I wanted it to be known that I only asked because I'm genuine in my interest.
I'm not one to pry.
you say what you want and I'll accept and listen.
so quick to be masked in darkness, unable to locate your face to kiss
are you certain you're shy?
lights out, you switched it up, making it known that my place was in your hands.
my source of pleasure was your goal for the moment.
03-2015
lackluster
You speak very little, in short syllables
And I speak in detail, flowing, knowing I'm saying too much.
I know the way you go about in attraction.
Providing only a glimpse of yourself, the rest a mystery to keep.
You say you don't enjoy small talk
But what is there to enjoy when there is no dialogue at all?
Do you want me around only at your convenience?
Do you want me around only at your convenience?
When you're coming down from the energies of your day,
to provide a short-lasting source of stimulation before you drift off to sleep?
I'm not having it any longer.
Even wanting you as a friend is difficult enough.
You can't give me the slightest time of day to respond.
Making sure I'm always the one at the end of a lackluster conversation.
Of course, started by you and never conclusive.
It's a set-up for disappointment and dullness.
03-2015
hickey
dishonest - all for show, a kiss fueled but faded
no follow-up, no leads to any more fun with maryjane.
a discoloration, a high, a hiding of the marks.
for what?
am i yours 'cause of your act or am i dumb, reading too much into you saying what you did?
you saw how eager i was. i didn't hide with you.
you weren't all there or were you?
so quick to take control of my body.
and i received it all so hopefully and well, only wishing it'll happen again, in your bed of different flowers and stillness.
i was caressing your chest and...
03-2015
no follow-up, no leads to any more fun with maryjane.
a discoloration, a high, a hiding of the marks.
for what?
am i yours 'cause of your act or am i dumb, reading too much into you saying what you did?
you saw how eager i was. i didn't hide with you.
you weren't all there or were you?
so quick to take control of my body.
and i received it all so hopefully and well, only wishing it'll happen again, in your bed of different flowers and stillness.
i was caressing your chest and...
03-2015
custard bun
you are made to perfection every day.
in a round yellow bun, presented with a frilly pink decorated cup,
the moment i have to indulge in you is strongly anticipated.
when i have my first bite, the cream it oozes is slow-moving and sensational.
how you flawlessly satisfy every inch of my mouth is magical.
just the perfect explosion of sweetness and softness
oh custard bun,
consuming you is never dull but always a delight!
02-2015
in a round yellow bun, presented with a frilly pink decorated cup,
the moment i have to indulge in you is strongly anticipated.
when i have my first bite, the cream it oozes is slow-moving and sensational.
how you flawlessly satisfy every inch of my mouth is magical.
just the perfect explosion of sweetness and softness
oh custard bun,
consuming you is never dull but always a delight!
02-2015
the western inn confession
a week has past and no word from you.
i'm killing myself, dying, the possibility of you happening to think about me.
thinking about whether you're losing interest or i'm not what you thought or wanted me to be.
i'm invested in your thoughts, your style, your movement, and your taste.
i want to know more but are you going to allow it?
i initiated physical contact with you and you accepted it.
you asked before continuing.
did i move too fast?
i don't want to know the bad.
i'm afraid to be rejected again and again.
i'm slipping into default dismissal of true connection.
dismissing it all as a hidden scary agenda for sexual advances.
untrue and unsafe thoughts.
i'm slipping away.
i don't want to keep pushing on something that is not there.
i still get aroused thinking of how you felt when i touched you and kissed you.
touching and brushing your hair.
all those gentle hand-holding moments.
being in your car, every single thing.
you may be the distraction.
distraction for these beginning months or inspiration, fuel for creative content,
for every little minute i'm not thinking about you or hearing from you.
02-2015
i'm killing myself, dying, the possibility of you happening to think about me.
thinking about whether you're losing interest or i'm not what you thought or wanted me to be.
i'm invested in your thoughts, your style, your movement, and your taste.
i want to know more but are you going to allow it?
i initiated physical contact with you and you accepted it.
you asked before continuing.
did i move too fast?
i don't want to know the bad.
i'm afraid to be rejected again and again.
i'm slipping into default dismissal of true connection.
dismissing it all as a hidden scary agenda for sexual advances.
untrue and unsafe thoughts.
i'm slipping away.
i don't want to keep pushing on something that is not there.
i still get aroused thinking of how you felt when i touched you and kissed you.
touching and brushing your hair.
all those gentle hand-holding moments.
being in your car, every single thing.
you may be the distraction.
distraction for these beginning months or inspiration, fuel for creative content,
for every little minute i'm not thinking about you or hearing from you.
02-2015
in your company
i'm into you and think i can say
i really don't mind being this way
asking you to spend time is always an internal debate
never a regret at the end of the day
i walk home with a big smile sponsored by you
you got that play on me
i go to sleep thinking how much nicer it would be
sharing your bed, touching your body, all in your company
my chase to get high subsides
because your being provides
something better, longer lasting, and memorable
than a spliff hit and a bitter shot
more desirable than a fading substance
12-2014
i really don't mind being this way
asking you to spend time is always an internal debate
never a regret at the end of the day
i walk home with a big smile sponsored by you
you got that play on me
i go to sleep thinking how much nicer it would be
sharing your bed, touching your body, all in your company
my chase to get high subsides
because your being provides
something better, longer lasting, and memorable
than a spliff hit and a bitter shot
more desirable than a fading substance
12-2014
dec 7, 2014
i walked into a cozy bar and there you were
you immediately recognized me and caught my attention
our hug was endearing and your sweet scent lingered for a second
i like how your hair rested on your face
the way your eyes met mine in a room and shaped a smile on my face
i sat there, actively listening to you as i asked questions i secretly prepared on my walk to meet you
my body was directed towards you, my attention undivided
i enjoyed the layers of our conversation
we changed our location
leaning against the wall, i lit your cigarette with delight
we walked and i couldn't help but think about putting my arm over you
you made me smile and giggle in a nervous excitement
walking under your monet-stained umbrella sealed the deal
that last hug before departure was not my favorite part
i didn't want my time with you to end
you said goodbye and wrapped your arms around me
there was an instant comfort
a comfort in your embrace
in the cold, in the rain, as we waited for your train
12-2014
you immediately recognized me and caught my attention
our hug was endearing and your sweet scent lingered for a second
i like how your hair rested on your face
the way your eyes met mine in a room and shaped a smile on my face
i sat there, actively listening to you as i asked questions i secretly prepared on my walk to meet you
my body was directed towards you, my attention undivided
i enjoyed the layers of our conversation
we changed our location
leaning against the wall, i lit your cigarette with delight
we walked and i couldn't help but think about putting my arm over you
you made me smile and giggle in a nervous excitement
walking under your monet-stained umbrella sealed the deal
that last hug before departure was not my favorite part
i didn't want my time with you to end
you said goodbye and wrapped your arms around me
there was an instant comfort
a comfort in your embrace
in the cold, in the rain, as we waited for your train
12-2014
+ / + / +
i could look at you all day
your smile, warm eyes, and cozy hugs
you're so pleasant to feel and experience
your smell is so sweet
i'd like to linger in your scent for hours
your touch is a natural high
i want to play with you more often than sometimes
you tease me with your restricted charm dosages
when i'm around you, i'm taken to a field of spring flowers
you send shocks in me
12-2014
your smile, warm eyes, and cozy hugs
you're so pleasant to feel and experience
your smell is so sweet
i'd like to linger in your scent for hours
your touch is a natural high
i want to play with you more often than sometimes
you tease me with your restricted charm dosages
when i'm around you, i'm taken to a field of spring flowers
you send shocks in me
12-2014
4/3/15
my private room
what will it take to single you out in my private room?
my plea is simple
breathe the air i breathe
share the levels of mine
immerse yourself in my spirits
allow me to swim in your body
let me seep into your skin
exploring your scent and pulsating veins
what will it take to let me inside?
10-2014
a letter never sent
hey missy
happy fall season and cheers to your new school year!
the time of green, orange, and yellow-colored leaves, swinging and falling from tall trees, awaiting its graceful landing and the chance to mark a crushing sound by hurried footsteps...
all in the crisp cold air where one can see their breaths release like a faint chimney smoke in the distance...
I just broke into random imagination description of what I think S---- is in the fall, hahaha, woops.
don't mind me, I gotta dream, y'know?
I wonder how your days play out.
what is your favorite thing about a classroom? how do you take your notes? it's like I want to shadow you for a day but in the point of view where I don't see your face, only back of your body in motion, just like a movie shot of the main character walking as if nobody is watching.
almost like blue valentine.
I know you told me you journal. is it little notes of your day? how do you write out what's in that cool brain of yours?
one time, my friend and I talked about really freely writing out thoughts and he suggested I start drinking but not to get drunk, only reaching a steady controlled buzz. that line of warm body temperature, fuzzy faces, and giddy loose thoughts.
I did that one time and the end product was so cool to see after. maybe that's why so many great american writers and authors in general were so heavily into alcohol and the way it produces untapped areas of your brain and your heart?
as you already know, my first six months of 2014 haven't been all too positive and much stressful but I really really dig that I decided to message you on an app I had so many hesitations about.
an appropriate amount of checking out your photos, that same fjallraven backpack, and then one of you smiling so wonderfully.
too cute, my cup o' tea.
even that one skype session had me so good. talking and laughing, sharing playlists, thoughts, jokes, simple pleasures.
I'll also mention again, receiving those lovely white chat bubbles with smiles and range of different topics...
learning about your being is making the days of my weeks that much more interesting. although I look down, typing essay responses back to you, not caring about what is around me, I'm all alone and invested in such a worthy conversation that I expect no finish in, not yet and I hope not for awhile, yeah?
08-2014
happy fall season and cheers to your new school year!
the time of green, orange, and yellow-colored leaves, swinging and falling from tall trees, awaiting its graceful landing and the chance to mark a crushing sound by hurried footsteps...
all in the crisp cold air where one can see their breaths release like a faint chimney smoke in the distance...
I just broke into random imagination description of what I think S---- is in the fall, hahaha, woops.
don't mind me, I gotta dream, y'know?
I wonder how your days play out.
what is your favorite thing about a classroom? how do you take your notes? it's like I want to shadow you for a day but in the point of view where I don't see your face, only back of your body in motion, just like a movie shot of the main character walking as if nobody is watching.
almost like blue valentine.
I know you told me you journal. is it little notes of your day? how do you write out what's in that cool brain of yours?
one time, my friend and I talked about really freely writing out thoughts and he suggested I start drinking but not to get drunk, only reaching a steady controlled buzz. that line of warm body temperature, fuzzy faces, and giddy loose thoughts.
I did that one time and the end product was so cool to see after. maybe that's why so many great american writers and authors in general were so heavily into alcohol and the way it produces untapped areas of your brain and your heart?
as you already know, my first six months of 2014 haven't been all too positive and much stressful but I really really dig that I decided to message you on an app I had so many hesitations about.
an appropriate amount of checking out your photos, that same fjallraven backpack, and then one of you smiling so wonderfully.
too cute, my cup o' tea.
even that one skype session had me so good. talking and laughing, sharing playlists, thoughts, jokes, simple pleasures.
I'll also mention again, receiving those lovely white chat bubbles with smiles and range of different topics...
learning about your being is making the days of my weeks that much more interesting. although I look down, typing essay responses back to you, not caring about what is around me, I'm all alone and invested in such a worthy conversation that I expect no finish in, not yet and I hope not for awhile, yeah?
08-2014
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